


and i won't run away

by qetbackhonkycat



Series: whatever here that's left of me is yours just as it was [2]
Category: Ghosts (TV 2019)
Genre: Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:02:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26677888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qetbackhonkycat/pseuds/qetbackhonkycat
Summary: these fools actually decide to communicate
Relationships: The Captain/William Havers
Series: whatever here that's left of me is yours just as it was [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1941184
Comments: 36
Kudos: 129





	and i won't run away

**Author's Note:**

> back again with a second part. 
> 
> pls tell me what you think of havers!
> 
> thanks guys

"I'm not fit for duty, Sir." Havers states, swirling his whiskey.

"Yes, I've heard. That is unfortunate, Havers. I am sorry."

"Wasn't even there two month. Didn't even make it to my period of leave,"

The Captain could see Havers was visibly deflated. It was an odd sight, one he hadn't seen on Havers before. He was always so chipper, so ready for the day, ready for anything and everything. This, now; this different Havers in front of him, it conjured up something inside him. It was something he couldn't quite work out. 

"Well, listen to me going on. Men have it worse than I." 

Pity.

It was pity. Fondness. He wanted to scoop Havers up and tell him it would be okay. They could stay here together, help the war effort away from the front, manage Button House. How possible that was, The Captain didn't know. 

"Men may have it worse than you, Havers, but we all fight our own battles."

The Captain looked down. 

They were in his office. Both sat - The Captain behind his desk, Havers opposite him. It was late, nearing 11pm. They should have retired long ago but neither of them made the effort to leave. They needed this. This quiet moment. Away from everything.

"Yes, I suppose we do, Sir." There was a pause. "I say, Sir?"

"Yes, Havers?" The Captain looked up, meeting Havers' eyes. 

"Could I read that letter? The letter that was returned. Your letter you wrote to me." He was stumbling. He didn't know why he was stumbling. The Captain noticed it. Havers was always concise, controlled. Calm and collected. This wasn't Havers.

"What ever for?" Defensive. 

"I should like to read it. Remind me of when I was on the front. People get letters from people they care about when on the front, I didn't receive any. I should like to experience that." 

People they care about. People they care about. Havers cared about him. Havers definitely meant generally. Definitely meant generally. So why was The Captain shaking? 

"O-of course, Havers."

He goes into his top drawer, where it is still kept. He holds it for a second, considering. He looks at Havers. He's smiling at him, it doesn't quite reach his eyes. If The Captain was to guess, he would say he looked nervous. 

He passes the letter to Havers. Havers reaches across to retrieve it. Their fingers brush, they meet eyes, Havers smiles again. The Captain looks down. He feels hot, uncomfortable. The room is too small. It's too small for the both of them. He loosens his tie the slightest amount, still keeping professionalism. 

"Thank you, Sir." Havers begins opening the envelope. 

"You're reading it now?" The Captain's voice raises slightly, this causes Havers to look up. 

"Now's a good time as any? I would like to read it in the company of the penman."

"Right, as you wish." He clears his throat, sits down. He would rather be fighting Jerry right now, he's decided. This, right here, is not appropriate. This could cost him his position, his life, and he's just handed it over. 

Havers looks up once more, smiling. The Captain just sits there. Swigs the rest of his whiskey, and gets up to pour himself another. He offers one to Havers, to which he nods. Anyone would say he was nervous himself, but he was an officer, that was out of question.

Pacing was an option. He opted for staring out of the window. He pulled a curtain aside and wished he was outside. It was the middle of November and the weather was biting cold but he still wished he was out there, that way he didn't have to listen to the cogs in Havers' head turning. 

He couldn't stand this any longer. 

"Look, Havers. What I might have said in that letter, it wasn't-"

"Wasn't what you meant?"

"Yes, precisely. I got ahead of myself. Too forward for my own good. You're a good soldier, I only wished to express that."

"That's a shame."

"A shame?" 

"A shame." The Captain turns from the window to face Havers fully. Havers puts the letter on the desk and goes to stand up. He winces at his shoulder. 

"Sit down, Havers. You're-"

"It's a shame, really. It is a shame, because I have a letter here," He reaches into the breast inside pocket of his uniform, pulling out a letter. He moves forward toward The Captain, "a letter that went unposted. A letter that was meant to be sent to you, Captain, describing the same sentiments as you have happened to write in your letter." 

He steps forward slightly. They're a stone throw away from each other. The room now feels incredibly big. The Captain finds the door to be a mile away and out of reach. He can no longer see his desk, his map, his documents. He's hot, much too hot. His uniform is suffocating him, yet he doesn't want to run. He wants to stay.

The Captain clears his throat. 

Havers starts to open the envelope, pulling out the letter. He starts to read:

_Dear Sir,_

_I hope this letter finds you well. I'm sure it will. Button House is a spectacular location, and I do miss it dearly, having only been away for a short amount of time._

_North Africa is a picturesque place. The climate is a bit different, however. Sweltering heat is a bit difficult to fight in, but, I'm sure it beats the chilling temperatures back in rainy old England._

_I do hope you're well, Sir. I admit there is a reason I am penning this letter to you. It is regarding our last meeting, our farewell of sorts._

_There were things I wished to say, things I wished to say to you. I, however, did not. I left the things I said, left Button House with a regret on my shoulders, one which I have carried with me throughout my time on the front._

_If I may be so blunt, Sir, I care for you. I care for you a great deal, more than a man should. I didn't say the words in our farewell because I am a coward._

_It was easier to leave knowing I had not confessed it, because if I had, I would have wanted to stay. If you had returned my feelings, I would have wished to stay. However, I could not bear it if you had not, and that outweighed my wish to stay, and so I left. I left you, with only a memory of your face and our time together._

_I know I am speaking out of turn, and when you receive this letter, you may do with it what you so wish. I am writing this with full knowledge of the consequences, and would not blame you for the actions you may take._

_I have chosen to be honest. Being honest is the only thing we can strive to do in this life._

_I wish you well, Sir._

_Fondly,_

_H._

Havers did not stop reading. He hardly seemed to take a breath. He gripped the paper tightly, as though it might disintegrate at any second. 

The Captain swallows. Havers is still looking down at the letter, seemingly afraid to look up, afraid of what he might be met with. 

"You didn't send it."

Havers looks up then. He looks into The Captain's eyes, desperately searching, searching for an expression, something to tell him what he is thinking in this moment. This is the first time they have gone longer than a second before turning away to look at the floor or their hands, anything other than direct eye contact. 

"I didn't send it." He repeats him, he doesn't know what else to say. He's open, his thoughts have been exposed, his feelings have been exposed.

There was a silence, a long silence. Excruciating.

"Sir, I-"

"Havers-"

"No, please, Sir. Let me." 

The Captain nods.

"I didn't send the letter. I was a coward. A coward, afraid of you not returning my sentiments. I didn't send it because I didn't know how you felt, and I had left. Nothing was said on our last meeting, and I guess we were both too stubborn to be the first."

The Captain huffs out a laugh.

"Havers." 

"Please, just, please." He says in a breath.

Havers steps forward, closing any gap they had between them. He reaches forward to touch The Captain's face, to stroke his cheek, and to look directly into his eyes. The Captain goes to say something, although it's more of a breath, a sigh. It's a sigh of relief, for all the times he's imagined this moment, that was then clouded with doubt and shrugged from his thoughts. 

Havers looks into his eyes, and nods. A nod to signify a question, to ask if this is okay and if he feels safe. The Captain reciprocates the nod. 

And Havers is kissing him. It's soft, it's tentative and it's nervous. It's so full of nerves but it's right. 

Havers breaks the kiss after a short while and looks into The Captain's eyes and smiles. The Captain smiles back, it reaches his eyes. Havers rests his forehead against The Captain's. 

Havers takes The Captain's hands in his, still resting his forehead on the other soldier's. 

"Being honest is the only thing we can strive to do in this life. I am being honest with you now."


End file.
